I'm an Idiot (by Bart Campolo)
Lately I keep wishing I was somebody else. Somebody different. Somebody better than me.
Don't worry. I'm not depressed. I am well aware that I have many good qualities and many more good friends. My marriage is strong. My kids are fine. Moreover, I am ever increasingly convinced that the God of love loves me, no matter what I do or don't do.
Unfortunately, none of those things changes the fact that, after nearly 45 years of countless growth opportunities, I remain essentially the same careless, undisciplined fool I've always been. Everybody makes mistakes, of course, but mine are almost always the kind a more thoughtful, more focused person could easily avoid.
On Christmas Eve, on my way to the YMCA with my son Roman, I ran a stop sign and hit a car just a block from my house. The other driver was young and furious and both Roman and I thought we were in real trouble. We might have been, too, if he hadn't recognized me as a friend of his nephews. Even so, I cost my family our $1000 insurance deductible, not to mention the rate hike sure to come when this claim gets added to the massive speeding ticket I got a few months earlier, while Miranda and I were visiting colleges in North Carolina. Because we were late for an appointment. Because I didn't read over the directions the night before. Because I'm an idiot.
I'm not kidding, either. Believe me, there's nothing funny about missing a plane and paying the change fee and getting stranded alone in Honolulu for two days at the end of a 10-day speaking trip, all because you didn't bother to double-check your departure time. Nobody laughs when you leave your son waiting in the rain outside his school because you lost track of time at the office, or blow a valuable new friendship because you didn't even call after you forgot a lunch appointment, or let your wife down for the millionth time because you got so wrapped up in a conversation with somebody else.
If you're wondering why I'm beating myself up this way, well, it's because a few days ago I wasted a bunch of money, too. I got hustled out of it, actually, but only after I carelessly violated just about every urban ministry principle I've taught for the past 20 years. Honestly, the guy who hustled me wasn't half as slick as I was stupid.
It all started when our friend Mark and I, along with a bunch of college kids, rebuilt the porch and cleared out the basement of this old twin house he bought in our neighborhood, where we have our offices, board a few interns, and rent an apartment to a really cool woman we're trying to draw into our fellowship. Anyway, we ended up with a ton of junk in the front yard -- including about 50 old cans of paint -- that needed to go to the local landfill. The next day, as we were sorting it out, a friendly man came by and offered to load it all up and haul it away for a mere $50.
"I'm a strong, Christian man and I need the work," he told me. "I'm not one of these other black guys out here stealing to buy drugs. My cousin owns that truck over there and a buddy of ours has a junkyard on the other side of town. We can do the job right now. It sure would be a blessing if you could trust me to help you out."
I should have said no, of course. In the first place, Mark and I were perfectly capable of hauling the stuff in his truck the next day, as planned. It was going to cost us a lot more than $50 to dispose of it properly, of course, not to mention our time, but we didn't need any help. Moreover, even if we had, we had 10 friends within three blocks who needed the work as much, or more, than this guy. Even so, I hesitated. Looking back, I can see I was afraid.
I didn't want to seem like an untrusting racist. I felt guilty for being so much better off. I didn't want to disappoint this guy - even though I barely knew him. And besides, the deal itself was too good to be true.
So then, before you could say "there's a sucker born every minute," I was off to the ATM for $80 in cash, which I promptly deposited in my new friend's hand, so that he and his cousin could gas up their truck and get some dinner before commencing to work that evening. He pumped my hand and hugged me in gratitude. The job would be finished by the time I got back in the morning, he assured me, but we exchanged cell phone numbers just in case.
You already know the rest of the story.
Why didn't I just tell that guy to come back and work with us the next day? Why didn't I insist on paying with a check, and even then only when the job was done? Why didn't I call to ask my wife what she thought I should do? Why didn't I worry about the probability that our toxic waste would be illegally dumped? Why didn't I recognize the red flags of race talk and Christian talk and trust talk that indicate an urban con job?
The short answer, of course, is that I am a careless, undisciplined fool. But in this case, there's more to it than that. In this case, even after more than 20 years of urban ministry, racial reconsideration, and earnest soul-searching, it is painfully evident that I still have enough unfocused white guilt to make me vulnerable to just about anyone shrewd or desperate enough to work that angle. Living where and how I do these days that could be quite a problem.
I really do want to be better, not only for my neighbors here in Walnut Hills, but even more so for my family and friends. It is perhaps to my credit that I am so adept at confessing and apologizing and winning back people's trust, but it embarrasses me that I've had so many opportunities to practice those skills. I'm tired of saying I'm sorry for the same things - over and over again.
God knows I've changed before. Now God knows I want to change again. And now you know too.
Bart Campolo is a veteran urban minister and activist who speaks, writes, and blogs www.bartcampolo.com about grace, faith, loving relationships and social justice. Bart is the leader of The Walnut Hills Fellowship www.thewalnuthillsfellowship.org in inner-city Cincinnati. He is also founder of Mission Year www.missionyear.org, which recruits committed young adults to live and work among the poor in inner-city neighborhoods across the USA, and executive director of EAPE, which develops and supports innovative, cost-effective mission projects around the world.
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Comments
Bart,
I really appreciate your insight of your situation with 'unfocused white guilt' and your constant reminder of how ministry is far less romantic than we like to think it is. And the reminder that people in ministry still deal with the same problems that everyone else does.
I hope to read more of your writings here at Sojourners in the future. Again, thank you.
Posted by: Dave Bennett | February 12, 2008 10:31 AM
And what does your loving Father say about 'Bumbling Bart' -- since our interpretations don't really matter?
Posted by: letjusticerolldown | February 12, 2008 10:37 AM
Bart,
I feel for you. When you minister in the city, discerning who is trying to rip you off from those who need help is a constant struggle.
I'm guessing that you would feel worse if you erred in the other direction.
Jeff
Posted by: Jeff | February 12, 2008 10:38 AM
Posts like this make me uncomfortable, and they probably should. I've faced similar experiences and similar feelings as a result.
Most of all, though I admire Bart's courage in persisting in the work God has called him to despite his discomfort. So many of us live our lives in search of "comfort" that voices like this can seem odd, though they're clearly what God calls us to (not to Bart's particular ministry, but to step outside of our comfort zone and live up to our calling).
No matter if you were "careless" and "undisciplined" in your response (and I agree with your point about needing to be more circumspect - it's something I struggle with too), I do think that you're letting God lead you, which is all we can or should do.
And Jeff is right...you would feel worse if you had erred in the other direction!
Historyguy
Posted by: Historyguy | February 12, 2008 11:08 AM
Bart - you're not an idot - your human.
The important thing is to learn from your mistakes. I believe that most of us as believers want to be trusting and ready to help someone out. But we need to be discerning about putting our trust in something or someone that is new or untested. To me the half now and half upon compleation works the best - most of the time.
I have become more jaded as time goes on but still push myself out of my comfort zone. I am more than willing to give a hand up rather than a hand out. I have hired many people to do work that I could have done myself but time is a little short for me and they need the work. Work with a contractor on the roofing and siding of my house after it was baddly damaged from a storm. Most of the people could not speak english but they did a good job. (failed in a few areas but they came back to make good on them) When the final payment was due I said they could come to my home and I would give them the check, I needed to talk to them. When they arrived I pointed out a few 'minor' things that to me I believed should have been done as part of the work. They were just little 'customer service' items that made a good job not feel so good. One was their walking across my bushes while doing the work. I understand that the bushes next to the house would have to be cut back or might be slightly damaged because of needing to get the siding on in those areas. But why did they have to walk across my bushes that were more in the middle of the yard to do their work. They killed a whole section of them. I pointed this out and told the person that this could prevent them from getting future jobs if people come to see my house as an example of their work. He offered to discount the price to pay for the bushes - I declined because they did a good job. I got a call from him about three weeks later to come a see another house in the area they did. When I arrived - he pointed out that the bushes were in good condition and a few other issues that we had talked about.
In my opinion - money and time well spent.
Blessings -
Posted by: Moderatelad | February 12, 2008 11:29 AM
letjustice
"And what does your loving Father say about 'Bumbling Bart' -- since our interpretations don't really matter?"
What do you mean? I'm not sure what you are trying to imply here.
Posted by: squeaky | February 12, 2008 11:39 AM
Bart, you are a big time LOSER!
You're so bad you remind me of Abraham, Isaac, Rebekkah, Laban, Jacob, Moses, David, Samson, Solomon, Rahab, Balaam's ass, and just about anybody else that God has ever chosen to use...
Posted by: canucklehead | February 12, 2008 11:57 AM
thank you for your honesty.
im an idiot too.
and i feel a little better now.
:)
Posted by: pastorscott | February 12, 2008 12:20 PM
I guess we can all be thankful that the hustler wasn't in the position of a Wall Street subprime mortgage scammer, or we would be talking way more than chump change.
Posted by: N.M. Rod | February 12, 2008 12:23 PM
Bart
The 'nati is a cruel world. I love what you are doing. I know that this man not only has done work for me but was me at one time. Who knows when God will do the same with his head as He just blogged with yours.
soli DEO
wyattpittman
BocaRestaurantGroupFoundation
cinti, oh
Posted by: wyattpittman | February 12, 2008 12:25 PM
Bart, thanks for sharing your story.
I, too, made an unwise decision when someone came offering to haul trash away for me. I lost only twenty dollars, but also about a hundred dollars worth of face. The city trash collector had put a notice on an old washing machine I had set curbside, saying they couldn't pick it up unless I had a special tag on it. A man came by and offered to take it, along with anything else I wanted to dispose of, to a dump for twenty dollars. He and I loaded the washing machine and several other large items into his truck, and he hauled it away. Great!
But then the next day I found the washing machine back on my lawn! Apparently when I loaded it onto the guy's truck I hadn't removed the notice from the city trash service, which included my address. Taped to it was a very angry note from the manager of a nearby apartment complex, saying that if I ever dump my things on their property again they would call the police. (I left a phone message at the apartment office explaining everything, though I doubt anyone believed it.)
Talk about embarassing!
Posted by: I and I | February 12, 2008 1:18 PM
sooo, have you been checked out for attention deficit disorder? It doesn't go away with adulthood as it was once thought. My family includes several textbook cases and you resemble them ! I can't tell you how many calamities my intellectually brilliant but practicality challenged family have struggled through. Some of them are legendary. The point is it is a pain to live with unless you develop sound strategies. The good part is that we are still loveable even if we frustrate all those who have to deal with us. The practice of "mindfulness " is essential. God bless you and all the good people who support you. Oh, and as someone who has worked for years with people who have mental disabilities, I can assure you that you are NOT an idiot!
Posted by: paula hughes | February 12, 2008 1:20 PM
Blessed are those who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness. You took a risk for what seemed a righteous purpose and lost. Would you rather not have taken the risk?
Posted by: Bruce Bradshaw | February 12, 2008 1:32 PM
Of course it is unfortunate that you were scammed. Now, my $0.02 is that we are to be charitable and caring; however, we must also be "wise as serpents" and be discerning. Otherwise, we'd be scammed time and again, not only financially, but spiritually as well. But yes, hindsight is 20/20, and learning from one's mistakes is the most important aspect.
Posted by: Ngchen | February 12, 2008 2:34 PM
The "censors" of the comments here could sure use some instruction on the legitimacy of satire in public discourse. Sheesh!
I called Bart a "loser" and in the company of people like Abraham, Isaac, Rebekkah, Moses, David, Rahab, Balaam's (ahem) "donkey," that God has chosen to use in the past and my post was promptly deleted.
My point, in an effort to encourage Bart, was that, as Scripture consistently demonstrates, God is "loser-friendly."
I regret that apparently to step outside orthodox patterns of thought/speech to communicate truth is beyond the moderators here.
Posted by: canucklehead | February 12, 2008 2:59 PM
Canuckle, I'll bet it had more to do with the A-word than the L-word. It probably set off an electric warning. :)
Posted by: I and I | February 12, 2008 3:06 PM
Funny, it's fifteen posts down and nobody has taken the author to task for being "liberal" or "socialist" or "humanist" or "self-righteous." Where are those folks anyway? They usually rush right in and pounce.
Posted by: I and I | February 12, 2008 3:12 PM
I and I; reminds me of the time a devout parishoner accosted me after a sermon for using the forbidden A-word to describe someone of notable obstinence. I told them to check out the dictionary's definition of the term and then get back to me. To his credit, he called later to apologize for learning that whatever dictionary he consulted listed the #7 usage of the word as "slang to refer to..." le derriere.
I guess if you use certain words here, buzzers and red lights automatically go off to wake up those monitoring the postings. :)
Wonder if "derriere" will do it...
Posted by: canucklehead | February 12, 2008 3:20 PM
Sorry Squeaky--my bumbling bart comment came out of my fingers too quickly. My intent was to identify with a feeling that I often bumble through life making all kinds of mistakes over and over (like not writing clearly); and I can ponder on it endlessly and on and on.......and at the end of all my observations and contemplations.....what matters is what the Spirit of the Lord Jesus says about the matter...what He is inviting and bringing me to...and that His work can be trusted and is good.
Posted by: letjusticerolldown | February 12, 2008 4:57 PM
Funny, it's fifteen posts down and nobody has taken the author to task for being "liberal" or "socialist" or "humanist" or "self-righteous." Where are those folks anyway? They usually rush right in and pounce.
Since it was a piece of self-reflection and not one mandating new governmental powers to tax and redistribute, I don't see why anyone would say such things. Unless your knee-jerk self is trying to be provocative.
Posted by: aaron | February 12, 2008 5:05 PM
Typically Bart Campolo and Shane Claiborne both escape harsh criticism when they post. It is probably in part because they are more concerned with personal action than with the root causes of societal injustice. It's also probably because their lifestyles are hard to judge and criticise. There's no-one standing outside calling these men hypocrites (a charge frequently laid against Wallis and McLaren).
If God calls them in future years into other areas of life and ministry (as with Wallis), how long will their authenticity be remembered.
Be Blessed,
Posted by: Trent | February 12, 2008 6:37 PM
Bart,
Your self-reflection and admitting to weakness was refreshing. I can relate, having made many expensive and impulsive mistakes last year. As long as we learn and are repentant if sin was involved, I believe God can continue to use us broken or scattered as we are.
Posted by: Nance | February 12, 2008 8:29 PM
I'm reminded of the old Jesus Freak song- "The words on the records they stole will help bring their soul to me."
As someone who's been in positions a number of times when people have stolen from me, I look to Jesus' words that, if the robber asks for your cloak, give him your inner tunic as well. While there is shaming in that, to reveal the injustice in his actions, there is also love, as we say that what we own is unimportant. Our money and possessions do not matter. Though it is hard, so hard, because we feel violated, and we want to and need to provide for our family, we trust God to provide, and know that he is the one who is head of the family, he is the Provider, and he will provide for us, and our family, in all times. Thus justice and following Christ in poverty become intertwined.
Posted by: Jedidiah | February 12, 2008 10:14 PM
It's so refreshing to read what's in your very human but pure heart. I once read a working definition of a pure heart: "A longing above all else to do what is pleasing to God and thus helpful to others." Thank you for sharing.
Posted by: Maria T | February 13, 2008 12:07 AM
Since we should share to the point we have the same stuff (Luke 3:11) here you probably underperformed - like practically everyone else, me included.
Posted by: Timothy Jones | February 13, 2008 1:48 AM
Your honesty and transparency is refreshing. It's good to know that there are other "idiots" like me struggling, apologizing, self-abasing in an attempt to come to terms with who we are yet willing to allow grace-full love to work its transforming and renewing power within our lives
selah - and we continue sing
Posted by: Jay Roberts | February 13, 2008 8:27 AM
I'm struggling with what to do. I am faced with this situation often living where I live and would love a variety of alternatives to run through my mind when this situation occurs. Besides inviting the guy back the next day to work "with" you all, which is a good one, what are some alternatives that will give this guy dignity and true hope and not promoting his conning? Just wondering! Any stories of hope?
Posted by: Brian | February 13, 2008 9:45 AM
Bart, thanks so much for this...I appreciate your humility and honesty. I laughed a bit because it's all so familiar and painful but also incredibly encouraging for those of us who want to do way better.
Posted by: Ryan Townsend | February 13, 2008 2:25 PM
If a man ask a for your coat, give him your cloak also. You did nothing wrong in giving -- the man who "took" you is the one who must answer for his misdeeds. You simply did what Jesus asks -- to tend to those who are your brothers. As one who is also an idiot, I can only say, welcome to the human race.
Posted by: Greg | February 13, 2008 2:36 PM
Bart, this is not a problem for me in my everyday comings and goings as it is for you so I do not speak from experience. But would it have been disrespectful to this man to tell him you would pay him when the job was completed? Also...he asked for $50 and you gave him $80. Would not the tip also have been given more appropriately at the end of the job? If he was hungry and needed food money before the job would $20 have sufficed? This is not criticism of you. In my book you did nothing wrong. I feel for the man who took the money. Maybe the real problem is not "how to not get ripped off" but rather how to keep from contributing to the downfall of your fellow man in your community.
Posted by: Maria T | February 14, 2008 4:16 PM
You know Bart...I just realized my last comment had nothing to do with your problem. Your problem is that you are trusting and hopeful and always seeing the best in others. And also a little gullible and a bit of a procrastinator. I know because I am married to a man just like that:) Those are both your best qualities and your worst qualities. Is there room for improvement? Sure there is. It's good to work on those things. But all in all I'd say you are loving God with all your heart mind and soul and loving your neighbor as yourself. Seriously ask the Lord to help you do better, forgive yourself, forgive your neighbor and move on! And thank you so much for caring!
Posted by: Maria T | February 14, 2008 4:29 PM
This article is self indulgent. The author spends the first few paragraphs describing all the insensitive things he does to his family and friends. Not to mention putting his son at risk by running a stop sign. And then in a whining tone makes himself the victim for being done out of 80 bucks? This is not about some nice man trying to help the unfortunate. It's about man who needs to take a long look inside himself and these obvious patterns. He's been irresponsible. He needs to turn it around and take care of his family, honor his commitments and stop whining. This is very sad. Be grateful for the sham. May this serve as your wake up call.
Posted by: DG | February 14, 2008 4:44 PM
This morning on my way to work I went to my favorite coffee joint, Common Ground. As I pulled into the parking area behind the place, I saw an unkempt black man with a cigarette hanging unlit from his mouth. He was not moving in any particular direction. He seemed to be waiting, waiting for me, as it turns out, because I was apparently the first person to pull in and talk to him.
“Good morning, sir.”
“Good morning,” I said.
“Excuse me, sir?”
“Yes?”
“Could you help me out with a couple quarters to buy a cup of coffee?” and he held out his hand to display about sixty cents.
“Sure,” I said. “Come on in, and I’ll buy you a cup.”
We went in, and the barista gave him sidelong glances while I ordered for both of us. “I’ll take the African Roast.”
I leaned to him and asked what flavor he wanted, and he said he wanted a cappuccino. That’s when things went sour. I ordered the cappuccino for him, thinking here we go again, another bum taking me for a ride. A few months ago, I drove a man to a gas station, where supposedly the clerk would give him a good deal on cold cuts for him and his family who recently moved from Chicago. The man was still looking for work, he said. Somehow he talked me out of $30, and as I let him off at the gas station, I just knew he wasn’t there to buy food. I don’t know what he was there for, but the place had the aura of secrets and adrenaline.
So when this guy, the guy at Common Ground, asked for a cappuccino, and I ordered it for him, I began kicking myself. I felt like a neon sign started blinking over my head: “Sucker!” Then he asked if the barista would add some sugar, which led to our showing him where the sugar pourer was (it was in plain sight) and him fiddling with it (he did not know how to pour sugar!). And during this segment of the episode I realized this guy was either drunk, though he did not smell of alcohol, or just not all there, probably because he'd damaged his brain beyond repair with one chemical or another.
He told me he had a long way to go to get to work and motioned in the opposite direction of where I work, a point not lost on me, and I told him I’m sorry I couldn’t help. I was angry.
I paid for my coffee and his cappuccino and got out of there. As I was leaving, he was asking the barista if he could spare a book of matches, which is fine if you’re in a bar, but a coffee shop?
I drove away wondering how I could have done things differently because the whole experience was uncomfortable, embarrassing, offensive, and annoying. I wondered what possibly could have happened in this man’s life to make him so mentally vacant. Should I have refused to buy him a cappuccino and told him to pick a coffee blend instead? Should I have driven him to work?
The main thing that bugs me about this experience, and the many others I have had like it, is that I start out trying to do the right thing—the Jesus thing—and I walk away feeling like a schmuck, like I’ve been had, and like all my efforts to love the person are just a facade.
One thing I will do in the future is introduce myself and, if it's not offered, ask what the person's name is. My hope is that this will encourage both of us to treat each other as humans. This morning I was not treated as a human, but neither did I treat that man as a human. Common ground.
Posted by: Chad | February 15, 2008 12:29 PM
Thanks for being willing to share, with such transparency, your internal processing and groping for answers. I was once told years ago by a clinical psych. professor that I have the talent of saying out loud what everyone else in the room is thinking but isn't willing to say; my guess is you have that gift, too!
Self-examination and discovery always cost something -- I'd say that was $80.00 well spent! (Considering how expensive the other "lessons" you mentioned were, this sounds like a discount course!) I sure hope I can be as self-aware AND willing to be honest in community as you are one of these days.
Your dad did a great job raising a wise man and my guess is that, despite being one of us human types, you are doing a great job with your kids, too!
Posted by: ladypastor | February 15, 2008 2:54 PM
Bart,
Please don't be so hard on yourself. We're all idiots. That's what makes us human. But through the blood of Christ and the grace and forgiveness of God, we are justified.
A little advice? Stop wasting your time trying to "be good," and spend more time "letting go and letting God." In other words, we cannot do anything righteous of ourselves. The Holy Spirit works within us, changing us according to God's will. Simply let God do this, instead of letting yourself become nearly hysterical about every little mistake you make.
Put your life in God's hands and trust him to change you. It's really that simple. I wake up some mornings and realize something is different about me, and I had NOTHING to do about it. God did it. After all, we are the clay that HE molds, not that we mold. Get it?
Posted by: Linda | February 17, 2008 4:09 PM
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